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F1 UDM players

hahah! i finally got my first experience of playing FHW! 😀 however, i made mistakes at the lefty-righty party which was very obvious and was caught on video cam! :O i felt rather pissed with myself cos like i practised manymany times before the gig. even on the capella gig.. i also practised cos i tot i’ll be playing :O rar! but anyway! thank God i made it thru! 😀 its really exciting and im really looking forward to play more FHW !! like seriously man, 😀 & man, im so gonna keep practising my lefty-righty till i get it perfectly done nicely! 🙂 so the next time i get to play FHW i wont make mistakes! 😀

i had butterflies before the gig last night man. hahhaha. shawn, meiqi and jason was like giggling a little at me cos i was like really MAD , hahaha! LITERALLY! :O hahha. but Jason was really nice man, he was trying to calm me down and telling me that i can do it. 🙂 and even till the end of the gig, he was asking how was FHW and although i said i made quite alot of mistakes but he still encouraged me till the end 🙂 thanks Jason! 🙂

anw, benben ❤ got his bag alrdy! 😀 & he is so excited about it! HAHAH 🙂 his really CUTE today! ahhaha. i shall not tell you why!! 😀 hahahha. go ask him urself! 🙂 RAR. hahhaa. never seen him so CUTE before! :O 🙂 thats why i love him….. *background effect*            “AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW”

reflections

i did the most stupidest thing that i shouldnt have done few hours ago. i really regret my actions and i feel the pain of my actions now. why do i always do things on impulse and start making a big din about it? i cant help but to ask myself why?

perhaps my cousin is right? i dont know. whats holding my thoughts back now? theres one thing thats holding me back now is, ‘ cos i really love him ‘ . if not i wont try to find ways to solve this problem. i wont be even bothered about it. everyone has their flaws, so do i. so who am i to give the ‘death sentence’ to him? im willing to make up to it and im willing to change, will someone direct me in this?

im clinging on, holding on tight to this relationship cos i really want us to last. cos i believe we can, its not the matter of time that im aiming for but its you that ive fallen in love with thats making me want this love between us to last. its gonna take time to heal all these wounds in us. i dont want to be that salt to be rubbing into our wounds and causing all this pains. i want us to be happy, just like Ian and Millie for instances! i really look up to them as our role model, even though they dont always see each other but yet they can be really loving! i want us to be like them. i really want…

ive been really selfish in my thinking these days, all i think about is me me and me. thats all, i want things to be different. i want to think about whats good and best for the both of us. im not giving up on you and i hope you’ll do the same too..

im gonna hold on tight. really tight.

——

Dear God,

i thank You for these past 7months with Ben and thank You for allowing us to meet each other. im really thankful. God, i pray that You’ll help me to not be so self-centered and to think about things as a whole and people around me. i dont want to be who i am anymore, but i want to be a better person. A better girlfriend for Ben. God, i pray that You’ll bring us out of this problems once again and let the problem leave us from now on and not to hinder us anymore. God, i pray that You’ll give me the peace in my heart and allow Ben and I to continue this journey together. I thank You for everything once again. Amen

 

i’ll let time do the job. to bring me closer to you like how it used to be the last time.

cream puff :>

jus as i was watching tv and felt like eating cream puff, my sis called and asked if i wanted creampuff! :O hahhaa 🙂 YAY!

Baby & i 😀

was just reminded of somethings which i havent been cherishing all these while. i feel like i took it for granted. was watching the show, ’10 Promises to my dog’ on mysoju. show is really nice and i cried while watching. :O yea, not like one tear or 2, was a continous flow.

while watching the show i was thinking about Ben, like almost every single moment. i wished he was here with me right now, although i jus saw him few hours ago. i really want to prove to baby that i really treasure him alot and i really love him. i really do! & also, i want to keep to my promise that i’ll be a better girlfriend for him. least not to make him feel like im controlling him. 🙂

to baby:

what ive promised to you is that i will be a better girlfriend and i will be there for you when you need someone. i’ll be there to standby you and help you no matter how difficult the circumstances is. i really thank you for all these while and thanks for loving me cos i know and i can see that you’re really doing your best to make up to me for the times in the past. all i want is to be by your side, cos i love you dearest.

Urban Drum Crew

it has really been fun for the pass few days :O gigs and exams are finally over plus hanging out more often with my buddies! 😀 really fun although its jus the 3 of us! 🙂

today supposed to watch Jennifer’s Body but due to some circumstances, we ended up at Ehub in Pasir Ris playing pool and arcade! spent like 7bucks at the arcade! guess wat! 5bucks was to the toy catching machine RAWRR. stupid machine! cheat my money! :O

discovered another thing today, i wasnt really happy with my attitude today and also the way i express myself. im loosing my temper every now and then. seriously dont like to wait for people like time after time. sometimes too much just annoys me :O but cant help it, all i can do is to try my best to help him 🙂 somehow i must start drilling myself to think of positive things here and there. :O &sometimes its better to live in denial. :O *sounds emo here*

didnt expect feelings of regrets to fall upon him somehow, like seriously. after confiding with him just now while waiting for the bus, things jus feels like its crumbling down stunned-speechless.  started to think like how ive been treating him all these while, was it too nice? was it bad? was i using him* (in terms of carry bags, print this and that)? feelings of guilt started flowing in.. guessed i havent been a good girlfriend i supposed.

was jus wondering if he did it out of love or cos he was jus afraid of my ‘reactions/expressions’ thats why his doing all these for me. sometimes i just simply cant figure out. so many question marks in my head now. i do fear alot. whether or not is personally or relationship. in fact, i fear alot in relationship terms, like.. if i do this will he be upset? if i do that will it affect his feelings for me? :O mann. its really tough not to fear sometimes.

just felt that theres this gap in between us, (lack of real communication i guess?) like although we’re seeing each other quite often but i dont hear him calling me baby and all these few days also,  telling me things and what he wants and what he doesnt like about. yes, the truth hurts but time would heal all wounds. all in all, i jus need to change. ):  going thru such a period aint easy at all. in fact, if you were in my shoes, i suppose many would jus run away from the problem. however, i wanna face it! i dont want the gap between us to grow even wider and wider. we jus need more heart to heart talks somehow.

problems that mounts up will tear things apart, but i dont want it to ever happen. trying to savage this relationship every now and than. *thumping my heart; its aching inside*

I WANT TO BE A BETTER GIRLFRIEND FOR Ben!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  😦

pains.

i feel painful inside, do i always have to go through something to understand a fact? i dont want to see the worst to come in between us, im really trying to sustain this r/s. but sigh… i dont understand what i want. do i really have to see him everyday?sometimes i ask myself.

okay, enough said. maybe i need to learn to be more busy sometimes to keep my mind off somethings.

 

rar. starting to have the lazy mode in me already. exams are ending and 11nov will be the official day that i’ll last wear my school uniform 😦 i miss yellow and blue some how :O before everyone knows it, its the last time we’ll be in the same class, same school and sitting together for the last exam as a class :O how scary is that?

chester, charis, bin hong are the only 3 that has been in my class for the last 5years and literally same class! :O and chester is like since primary 4 if i didnt rmb wrongly! like 9years same class as chester 🙂 thats wad makes chester and i good friends 🙂 my buddy for 9years :O! hahahah.

chester is really a nice guy, seriously! like his really funny cos of the way he do things and man! really gonna miss him. its jus like ho tang, know him since i was in kindergarden. if im not wrong either N1 or k1. thats like almost my whole life man! yea..

but when people go on different routes and does not stop and turn back to look for the people whom they used to care in the past, their friendship just fades away. its just like ho tang and i. 😦 so times its just no big deal about having childhood friends when you grow old. cos some people just couldnt be bothered or dont want to make the first move. :O (im not saying ho tang okay! dont get the wrong idea, saying in GENERAL) its true friends we should be seeking for.

i miss the old times.

well, having to say this, jus reminded me of my relationship with God, its the same thing, like if you dont maintain it, your distant with God will just grow further and further apart. its time for me to do something now.

——

anw, starting to look webcamming with friends again. hahah 🙂 jie yong is like damn funny. hahahha. like ytd, want to throw grape at me! hahahha. 0.0″ &man, ytd was supposed to go study with my 2nd sister at woodlands library, we ended up studying the shopping mall and bought a rice cooker :O the one my mom wanted to buy. and my sis treated me to sakae sushi and even wanted to buy the soft toy that i wanted! but i said i dont want, cos very small, cannot hug rar! O.O sometimes its really good to have sisters older den you 🙂

this is funny!

HAPPY HALLOWEEN PEOPLE!

TRICK or TREAT.. SMELL MY FEET. GIVE ME SOMETHING GOOD TO EAT! 😀 *i rmb this songggg~

had fun during service and its my first time going for s1 and also having service with Shawn 🙂 Ben was there too. saw people dressed up for halloween and it was really funny to see like the MASK guy there. hahha. he was dancing during praise etc. 🙂 nice!

fast forward! went to study after that at SB with Shawn and Ben and den home. was kinda irritated with myself cos i wasnt able to rmb the things that ive been studying for the past 4years. the feeling jus sucked im gonna paste notes on ss etc all over the wall need my bed today so when i wake up i see it and read it 😀 good huh!

mhh.. ive made a decision today and it was really tough for me. ive tried it the first time but it failed but this time i really wanna make it thru. i took a long time and yea. i didnt wanted things to end up in this manner but after hearing all that was said, finally i jus came to the conclusion of asking for a ‘time-out’ . it was really hard.. like i took a few deep breathe first before i said it. i felt rather painful inside though. so wanted to cry out really loud like scream and all but tried to control abit here and there.

i want to show my strong from and not the weak side of me from now on. after this 5days, its jus gonna be the new ME.

is it a chance given by God? although its just a ‘standby’ but is it still a chance given by God? its like no matter how hard i try, i practise.. but the results is still the same. im so vexed. im so confused.