yesterday’s heart to heart talk was great once again, felt relieved after talking things out. those feelings that ive kept to myself for a long time. it was unhappy stuff but yet it made all the misunderstandings all gone and also it made each one of us understand each other even deeper within. many times i chose to give up but many things held me back. im really relieved that i didnt give up on impulse and due to small issues. i really made a good decision i rmb Theo always telling me that he havent seen me so happy before ever since he knew me. i got to realized that indeed its true, i never felt so happy before compared to my other relationships. not saying i was unhappy but i feel even more happier Thank God for such a wonder boyfriend once again

im currently racing against time to finish as much topics that i havent covered for my coming exams which are in days time. really afraid but no im not going to give up.

A winner never quits!

i want to be a winner and not a loser, not someone who gives up easily. i’ll keep trying and trying till my results show. i want to prove to others that not only they are able to do it, I CAN DO IT TOO! cos i have God in me! like what the Bible always say, ” All things are possible with God ” !  

i dont want to be a loser. just yesterday before meeting ben and shawn to study, i was at JE walking towards Popular, i saw this quote on the poster, it says,

“TOUGH TIMES NEVER LAST BUT TOUGH PEOPLE DO“

i believe its true!

up till now im still taking him for granted. i guess no medication can cure this ‘sickness’ of mine. im being so hot tempered, getting annoyed so easily. is it just me born like that or its just like a ‘habit’ ? im so annoyed with myself even.

service was great today, the Word was good and it made me realized something which i always thought i was right. but after Pst Kong shared, it cleared my questions which i always wanted to know.

come to realize that i really dont have much friends to talk my heart out with and really to open up myself. apart from my boyfriend.. i cant find anyone else to talk to freely, i think its time for me to reflect on myself. i havent been a good friend to anyone, even to my members. ):

broke out in tears again, finally got my thoughts thru to him. it was quite upsetting after we left, he totally just walked off and took it as if i wasnt there. my first thought that came into my mind was,

‘sigh, what should i do? its not like as if i wanted things to be in this way’

got on the bus and sat alone, started to think of what i should say to him and how to get things thru him. i couldnt find better words but to say things in a harsh manner and how i really feel deep inside. have he ever been in the position of my shoes. like how if i do the same thing and you kept telling me the same thing over and over again but i just dont listen? soon after you’ll find it annoying.

when i said it the 2nd time i didnt expect it to happen again, of which.. im so not surprised it did. it so happen that the nasty day became today.

-blahblahblah-

didnt wanted to end the day so badly, so i decided to make the first move to talk things out. got off the bus where he was and i couldnt control my feelings and as i begin to say how much it has affected me, tears jus flows out like no ones business. couldnt control my emotions. i felt to relieved to be hugging him when i was ranting my feelings. :/

really liked one short moment although things was nasty then, this moment whereby i was hugging him so tightly and kept crying..

he made me felt really loved and it really shows how much i mean to him.. and he asked me to harsh and not cry anymore.. i havent felt so loved in such a long time.

i really dont know what i should say but i think his still my best boyfriend and will always be the best

–bloops–

Ben and i made a covenant with God and we really want to achieve it. just hope you guys out there will pray for us dont need to know what is it cos its a covenant between Ben, God and I. so yupp thanks for the prayers in advance

with one action it really made me realized how much i meant inside his heart. initially i was expecting another scenario but than again, it wasnt wad i expected. not wanting to be selfish and all but i really can see how much i meant to him and how he would put me first before any other thing.

today’s rain clearly reminds me of how much God has been blessing me in my life just like having good friends like SK, Theo, NickTan, and my church friends and of course, Ben. the love of my life: ) He has indeed blessed me a lot. Thank You God.

i really tried, i really tried letting go. i cant stop thinking about the fact that the history is just gonna repeat itself. i need to get a life. i need to expect lesser from you. i dont want to rely on you anymore, i dont want to be so dependent on you. im sick and tired of myself doing that. by doing that just makes me even want to depend on you even more. ): im so tired, i dont want to keep having to feel sad over the same thing over and over again. its just sickening. i need to learn to give you more space. more time on your own. i shall not rely on you anymore, its not going to happen.

i hope things would go back to how we started after O’s. i hope things would change after O’s. i wont expect anything from you at this point in time. its not the right time to talk about this. i just got to let go and Let God do the job. He has plan all this for me. i shall Obey Him and let Him be the one leading me and no one else.

so many things has been happening this week. felt emo for the past few days and saturday was really upsetting when the day for me started off. mixture of feelings, ANGRY den UPSET and it came to a point that i felt really DISAPPOINTED. i was on the verge of flaring everything that i was unhappy about out, but thank God. He was there to bring peace into my heart and told me to control my temper.

why disappointed? it was one of the promises made, but yet time after time it was broken. how can i not be? whats more, theres a limit of a persons patience. many a times ive been giving in, giving in and giving in. i dont know what else i could do but to forgive just like what the Bible said to forgive. everyone makes mistakes and so do i.

i may sound like im trying to say im very “wei da” cos i give in etc, but thats not what i meant. i just felt tired of giving in over and over again. it did not happen occasionally but its all the time. sigh. i know youre trying your best and i can see that, all i need now is to control myself.

soon after, it came to a point whereby i started doubting about some other issue, i dont know why but i felt slightly uneasy but again, Pst Kong’s sermon today kept running thru my mind. i just got to keep trusting and believing, to live by FAITH and not by SIGHT. Amen!

after saying all these, im starting to realized im a rather selfish person, i realized in this relationship im the one who keeps asking for this and that, this and that. have i come to a point to stop and ask what does he wants? i guess im able to count it with my 10fingers. im so not a good girlfriend after all.

selfish person, who would want one? who would want a selfish girl friend? if no one is able to answer, i’ll answer. its NO ONE! i need to change, i need to change!

sigh..

well, exams are jus in like 2weeks time or even lesser. worried but yet im putting my Faith and my continuous trust in Him that He would be there for me. also, i need to do my part by studying.. cos like what Ben’s wordpress said, “God only help those who helps themselves‘ ! same thing, i want God to help me, so i gotta help myself.

i need more revelation! i need more strength! i pray that God would guide me thru this lonely journey and soon after i’ll shine forth in this world and everyone would ask me for the secret formula to my success. and what i want to tell them is that…..

THE SECRET FORMULA IS GOD!

from the time when i was on the way home, i felt that something was wrong. i couldnt figure it out, i feel so distant from someone somehow. i feel the pain, it all jus seemed like we’re starting and begining to have different thinkings. i couldnt understand. one word to discribe is, UPSET. (i supposed)

i dont know if its just me having all the wild thoughts or its just how it is now. the feeling feels so insecure, i feel like running, running away from it. im so afraid to face it. i hope all these im feeling now is all just due to my wild thoughts. all these is not gonna be true.

it seemed like im still stride-ding to finish my last 100m after completing a 3650m run.. i feel so tired and feel like giving up.

its no time to stop now.

_ SIX _

(:

in a few days time it’ll be Ben & I’s sixth month together! (: up till now im not regretting being w/ him. im really thankful to God for him. &i wonder wads gonna be like on that day. either home or study together. i really hope its the 2nd one.

F1 last day

it has been an exciting weekend a few days back! F1 totally rockks haha. enjoyed many little parts of it. although its really draining of energy but many of us still enjoys mins that we spent together! performing together, lunch + dinner, facebook-ing in the Green Room and packing up till going home!

this F1 experience is really a true experience for me i learnt quite a few things, like grooving, make-up for performance and also teamwork! w/o teamwork, many things cant be done and also, this Urban Drum Crew will not be possible without each one of you.

ive really been really happy these few days, not just being able to perform but another reason is BEN!

2weeks ago one thing that hit me real hard, was the time when i seen baby really furious over me. but after that, it made me treasure Ben even more.. and cos of that, it made me realized how much he means to me and how much i really love him. like theres a saying, EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON when a relationship is tested, only then it is a real relationship.

love you ben! <3

pheww. its been really a tiring month. apart from studies, F1 practises almost everyday! man, never felt so tired before. im starting to panic, havent had much time to study ): im so worried now, everytime i look at my undone homeworks, i feel so guilty ): ohman, so scared, so worried! ):

F1 performance is just this coming weekend! cant wait though! but mh, how am i gonna go school on monday and not feeling tired and this friday how am i gonna go perform when reporting time can be as early as 12pm? :/ wheew. tough decisions.

F1 practice tonight! RAR .

yesterday’s experience was really scary in a way, never had a face to face quarrel’s in my entire r/s life. it caught me really afraid of, ‘ whats gonna happen next? :/ ‘ that kinda feeling and thoughts. never tot things would end up badly that way w/ the words used to say things. it happened jus before service and i was like, rather upset and no mood to talk to anyone. :/ felt so… idk. eventually it got me weeping away again. tsk.

but afterall, its my fault who started the whole thing. :/ and i jus want to say that i’ll change for the better from now on. ‘cos i love him (;